yeah yeah yeah

Something You Can Depend On - Resolution Number Two

I love that I can depend on my father—always. I love that he is a planner too. I think people who plan are people you can depend on and I can always depend on my father. What he says is what he will do and he always makes his plans at the consideration of those around him. His dependability and obsession with arriving on time is something I've grown to appreciate over the years. Or course when I was younger I was totally annoyed when arriving twenty minutes early everywhere but take that same concept and apply it to commuting in a big city and you get places on time. You see, my Dad is the kind of person that you want to pick you up at the airport. You can depend on him to be early and to keep in touch with you during  your trip so that he is aware of your flight arrival in case things change. And you never ever wait on him to get you. He is always there, either parked outside or waiting at baggage. Knowing that he is my ride eliminates stress with travel. And that is the deal, a dependable person brings less stress to those around them. 

I don't really know if people around me would say I'm a dependable person or not. I would like to think that I am and I think in general I am, but I need to improve. I'm not the person who always arrives at work on-the-dot but I think my co-workers can depend on me to be there pretty much on time each day. I think more often than not I don't flake out on events and obligations but I also tend to not make obligations for myself so I don't give myself the opportunity to flake out. Basically I know that I am a person who will flake out if I set myself up. Or as we use to call it in college (with fondness mind you), "getting Jaked". And although I think my intentions are mostly good, I need to stop living on good intentions and become a person more like my father. 

As Sunny gets older and her involvements in life grow it is important to me that she sees me as a constant stability in her life. I want her to know that she can depend on me to get her where she needs to be on-time. She can't take herself to ice skating lessons or play dates or whatever it is she will choose to do. I was never late for gymnastics but I always felt sorry for those that were. Coaches punish the late kids. Or being late for school day after day. How awful and what a huge disadvantage you put on your kids, all because of your lack of planning. I don't want to sound rigid here. I envy some spontaneity and hey, I'm spontaneous. I've been known to pack up the car and drive to New Orleans on a whim, just for a weekend on Bourbon Street. Hell, I drove 1,256 miles with a week old baby. But within any spontaneity in my life lies a plan and I hope that my planning helps eliminate chaos and stress for those around me. I'm starting to realize more and more in life that my actions have a domino effect on others' stress levels and the last thing I want to be is a creator of stress, especially in Sunny's life. I guess this is sort of a New Year's resolution for 2010—to be a person who does not indirectly create stress upon others.  

For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear, for Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year! 

I'm happy to have 2010 behind me and the hope of a new year and a new decade ahead of me. I've been thinking for a few days now on what is to be my New Year's resolution. I of course need to start eating healthier, give up the need to have half a batch of cookie dough most days and get my ass on the treadmill. All which I plan to do. It is a must. But I've also decided my new years resolution is to enjoy life more. More specifically I need to get out there and see the world, show Sunny the world or at least the one in our own back yard. I'm such a creature of habits and can easily get stuck in ruts spending every weekend much the same – staying home and not taking advantage of all that is around me in this great city I call home. So the Hill/Smith clan is in search of new adventures for 2010 as we commit to getting out there and living. Adventures in the city, adventures in food, adventures outside of the city, adventures with the UU and adventures in our neighborhood. Oh yeah, and I got to give up the daily fix: cookies, brownies, ice cream, Sour Patch Kids, cake, frosting... ugh. Sugar is my crack. 

Number 1. More Black-Eyed Peas, Please. Twenty-five Lessons from 2009.

"When you look for the bad expecting it, you will find it." — Pollyanna

I hate to even consider saying that this year has sucked when it obviously was one of the best years of my life (thank you Sunny). But for several reasons it was also the worst year of my life. Maybe it was the black-eyed peas I ate. I did eat my peas. I always always always eat my peas. But I was six weeks pregnant last New Year's Day and experiencing full-on morning sickness. I threw up the peas. Maybe that is the reason for this ongoing run of bad luck mixed with exceptionally great luck. At least my luck is in balance. With the good comes the bad and I guess I'm learning to adjust to the ups and downs and trying to make my own big ass pitcher of lemonade.

But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was looking forward to a new year. Openly welcoming 2010. I love the hope of a new year. The prospect of greater things around the bend. The idea that if you eat just the right amount of black-eyed peas you can offset all potential bad luck for the year. A new year, a new beginning and the start of new adventures. 

So after writing my twenty-five lessons from 2009 what did I learn and what do I want to bring with me into 2010? I think I'm officially a Pollyanna. I need the Glad Game — the game of finding something to be glad about in almost every situation —  to help get me through the rough spots and I need the Glad Game to appreciate the good stuff. It is all about balance, finding good in even the worst of situations and eating your peas. Always, always, always eat your black-eyed peas. 

 

Happy New Year to you and yours and bring on 2010!
 

Number 2. Making a List. Twenty-five Lessons from 2009.

Here is a list of random thoughts, lessons and/or things I want to blog in 2010. Can you believe it is almost 2010?

• My Dad will always, no matter the time or weather situation, pick me up or take me to the airport.
• Headhunters are evil evil people that obviously enjoy messing with the heads of the unemployed.
• I don’t get or understand the purpose of 3.2 beer. It really is dumb and not having access to imports at the grocery store or Q-Trip or Walgreens is annoying.
• The Northern Lights have nothing on baby giggles and smiles.

 

• One or two nights in Stillwater a year can rejuvenate the soul. 
• Too many nights in Stillwater can make you feel old. 
• A two-hour phone conversation with BFF makes me a happier, smarter and better-adjusted person.
• Spending $300 in counseling makes me feel stupid.
• You can't force family to see when you travel home but boy it sucks when you travel 1,400 miles with an infant and brothers can't load up the kids and drive them seven miles to see you. Just saying. 
• Fast food potluck is freaking awesome fun. Intrigued by the concept? Yeah, I'll share the details later.
• Nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there.
• I would be lost without out my facebook phone, I mean my iPhone. 
• Meconium really isn’t all that it is cracked-up to be.
• A sad baby makes a sad momma.

• Twenty-four inches of snow is a lot of freaking snow.
• Breast feeding is hard and a lot of pressure.
• Line queues make sense. Why don't they queue in Oklahoma? I never pick the right line and I'm glad I don't have the pressure to make that choice in VA lines.
• If it is not on the list it isn’t going to happen. Pregnancy left me with the memory of a goldfish. Maybe by writing these thoughts down I'll remember them for the future...but I’ll probably still manage to forget.

 

Number 3. Let Them Eat Cake. Twenty-five Lessons of 2009.

In times of tragedy and sorrow some people cry, some people sleep and some people eat. I'm an eater. Preferably something sweet. Chocolate cake balls, a Merritt's cake or cookie. A big pan of hot brownies, ice cream or even a big bowl of icing. The sweeter the better — sugar is where I find my comfort. Damn I wish I was a person who found peace in a nice long run. I'm completely jealous of those who use a long run or bike ride to clear their mind. But that isn't me. I unfortunately find my peace in the bottom of a bowl of raw cookie dough. I swear it wasn't more then ten minutes after my mother's death I had a Merritt's cookie in my mouth. And I'm pretty sure my sisters had one too. While my dad likely had his hands in a bowl of M&M's. It is inherited. I come by it naturally. I blame it on my mother. She was the best baker ever. I can still remember the smell of her homemade cinnamon rolls, apple dumplings and date roll cookies. Her chocolate mousse was like no other and she could make a French silk pie better then any I've ever tasted. Oh my mother could bake. So it isn't surprising that the Hill girls have a chocolate, pie, cookie, brownie, cinnamon bread, cake batter, ice cream, cookie dough, baked fudge addiction. 

So these past few months I have given the Kitchen Aid quite a workout. Ahhh, but the smell of homemade cookies reminds me of my momma and that makes me happy. So admittedly I need to slow down on the baking or at least stop eating what I make (a goal for 2010) but few things in life are better then a plate full of warm cookies made by your momma. I'm not sure growing up I realized cookies came in a box. I hope Sunny grows up the same. 

 

Number 4. The Best Laid Plans. Twenty-five Lessons from 2009.

When I was twenty something weeks pregnant I thought I had a great plan – my birth plan. I had researched birth plan suggestions, talked with friends about their plans and duplicated most of the their ideas to create my personal plan. A birth plan. Those words now sound like an oxymoron. If there is one thing I have learned this year it is: you can’t plan everything. But I want to plan everything. I’m an obsessive planner and list maker. The thought of going an entire day without a plan drives me insane. So the thought of going through the most important day of my life without a plan was just not even a consideration.

But on August 31, 2009 every plan I had conceived went out the window. I had to instead let go of the notion that I had control and instead trust my doctors to take care of Sunny and me. Let go of the control and trust others – two very difficult tasks for a control freak like myself. And to think I even considered not having the epidural, HA! And all the nights I spent worrying about the possibility of a c-section. So much worry and self induced anxiety over situations I could do nothing about. By week sixteen I was seeing a counselor. Seriously, pregnancy brought on some crazy high anxiety. I was a complete mess. But after a few hours into labor I realized the 36 weeks of worry was all for nothing. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen and it was my job to listen to the doctors, stay strong and work hard. Twenty-five hours later, on September 2, 2009 it was all worth it.

Number 5. Card Stashing. Twenty-five Lessons of 2009.

One of the first things I did when I got back home to Alexandria after seven weeks in Oklahoma was buy a dozen sympathy cards. I hope they last me a lifetime but I have them when needed. After my mom's passing and outpouring of cards my family received, I realized the value in sending a sympathy card. Regrettably, I think I've only sent one or two in my lifetime. Not an accurate number to reflect the number I probably should have sent over the years. The power a card or note can have on you when you are going through the process of grieving for a loved one is amazing. Knowing that so many people are thinking of you and sending you love is very meaningful. The cards, flowers, notes and other forms of kindness are also reminders that we are all connected in a world through the dependability of life and death and that people need people. 

 

Number 6. Que Sera Sera. Twenty-five Lessons of 2009

Learned a lot yesterday. Air travel with an infant on Christmas Day can do that to a person. It was a great day of both firsts and lessons. Here is a recap: 

1. Babies and Christmas are fun.
2. King Cab really only picks up in Alexandria City and their drivers are DBs at six a.m. 
3. The Admiral Club - Yatzhee! (A first for mom, dad and baby). Thank you Kevin for the hook up. How will we ever go back to being commoners? It is sweet! If you haven't been in one I highly suggest it. The club in DCA looks similar to the lobby of a business hotel - like the Residence Inn. Basically you have a few large rooms filled with comfy chairs and couches and HD flat screens and of course a great view of the runway. There is a small bar (not free) and complimentary coffee and snacks and plug-ins galore. The access to free plug-ins alone makes the club worth it. And the staff is so friendly and not at all cranky. We had two of the nicest women greet us when we walked in and as soon as the club door opens you feel as if you have just entered the eye of a storm or maybe an alternate universe. The stress of air travel melts away when you enter the calm, peaceful place within the chaos of airport terminals. It is quiet, comfortable and you don't have to fight for a seat. What a great place to chill. Oh, and the bathrooms are so clean, don't smell like chemical mixed ass and have super soft hand soap and lotions. I'm officially a fan.
4. Five diapers for twelve hours of travel are cutting it close. When deciding at the last minute to check-in a carry-on—pull out the diaper stash. It was a close one thanks to two blow-outs and three outfit changes but we luckily we didn't have to go and make a diaper out of Daddy's undershirt.
5. Sunny thinks it is her job to entertain others. She was pure entertainment on both flights (when she wasn't sleeping of course). And I'm not just saying this because she is my kid (okay, partly because of that) but she even had teenage boys smiling and that is a tough group to crack. Basically she was the welcoming committee on flight 1657 to DFW and 1672 to TUL. She just stood-up on my lap and made faces and eye-contact with each passenger as the walked by her. If she liked something she cooed and smiled and bounced a little on my lap. It was quite the sight. She made lots of fans and brought some sunshine to a very stressed out group of passengers. She is already vying to entertain the world and I think she inherited her "I need attention chromosome" from her dad.
6. I'm no longer a stressed-out, anxious control freak while traveling. That is a huge first. I'm normally a crazy traveler and get into a mode of panic at least a dozen times becoming obsessed with time and breathing. I'm constantly obsessing over what time we will board, when will we leave, when does the beverage cart come down. Do I have time to use the bathroom or will I miss my flight? What about food, do I have time for food? UGH. Air travel makes me feel like a prisoner to the terminal obsessed with the slow moving hands of time. Once in the air the hypochondriac in me kicks into high gear and I start thinking I need vapor rub and cough drops to breath. I'm also certain that everyone around me has SARS or small pox and I'm next in line to die. I'm a freaking mess on the inside. (Although I appear relatively normal to strangers). I'm typically just a stressed out mess. But not today! Traveling with Sunny changed that. I suddenly had to deal with poop explosions on Christmas outfits and bottle feedings that help with in-flight ear popping and my focus shifted from my own made up anxiety to Sunny's real issues and needs. Yet I don't think it was all of Sunny's needs that made me forget my anxieties it was really just her presence. She entertained me and kept me so happy that I forgot about all my travel anxiety and could actually say que sera sera. Let it be. Whatever. As long as the three of us were together and safe nothing else really mattered. Sure she cried, had a few meltdowns but she was great. 
7. My sister has mad skills when it comes to driving on ice. Props to Donna. Impressive. And thanks for getting us home safely.
8. Sunny is a big fan of "Jingle Bells" when song by soon to be super star Joel Schisler.
9. You actually can put too much liquor in egg nog but the Hills and Coplons will still drink it. 
10. Sunny loves her Claremore family and so does her momma.

We are safely in Oklahoma and trying to work our way around the new obstacle of the week - sheets of ice and horrible roads but Que sera sera. I'm not going to worry about it, obsess over it or try to control everything. Instead, I'm going to focus on enjoying my time here.

Number 7. I'll Be Home for Christmas. Twenty-five Lessons in 2009.

There is no place I'd rather be then home for Christmas. Home on College Park Road with family. Home with my Dad and Sister. Home. We are happily and safely home for Christmas.

 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Number 8. How I Eliminated Holiday Stress. Twenty-five Lessons of 2009.

I discovered that the one easy way to get rid of holiday stress is to remove the most stressful component. For us, especially this year, it was gift buying. So we committed to not buying a single gift for Christmas this year. Not for ourselves, not for our families and not even for baby Sunshine. Nothing, nada, zilch. I spent zero hours shopping (hooray—I loath shopping), zero dollars on presents and zero hours wrapping. And it feels great. Not that I don't enjoy the spirit of giving, I love nothing more then to find the perfect gift for those that I love but I hate hate hate the pressure to buy because of a specific holiday. I just feel like this whole consumer driven holiday leads to greed and waste and doesn't reflect the true meaning of Christmas. Ironic since I'm not a Christian, right? But it is now December 24th and I have not had a single breakdown over the stress of the holidays. I have instead used my energy this year baking, knitting, writing and spending time with a baby. And the Hill family is all good with this no gift buying plan too. We are actually doing a White Elephant exchange but this year but you can't pay for the gift. Sort of a recycle "Green Elephant" exchange.

And hey, don't go calling me a Scrooge either - I have plenty of holiday spirit. Lance and I put up a beautiful tree several weeks ago and I have especially enjoyed listening to some of my mom's favorite Christmas albums (John Denver and the Muppets) and singing to Sunny. Plus, we are planning to celebrate this evening at the UU for a special Christmas Eve service then coming home to a nice Christmas Eve dinner - just Lance, Sunny and I. The goal for the day is calm and peace and love, mixed with much happiness.

So yes, all this talk of no gift buying does mean we aren't doing Santa with Sunny this year. Frankly, she is too young and there isn't a thing she needs other then love. But rest assured Lance and I will spend many a discussion in 2010 on how we plan to address Santa in the future. I could do without all Christmas gift giving forever but Lance is set on Santa. Likely we will find a compermise with one or two Santa gifts a year and call it good. It just seems so much more important to spend our money on flights home and family vacations to new places. It is a big big world out there and my money is better spent traveling then in the mall. I don't know, maybe that thought will change.

So Merry Christmas to you and yours and here's hoping that Christmas Day is full of peace. I'm looking forward to flying home tomorrow. I can't wait to see everyone in Claremore tomorrow. Hug my dad and sisters and neices and nephews and all my family. So much love waiting for us and I can't wait!

Peace and Love.